ANGER MANAGEMENT

I have been teaching anger management for 7 years to adults, teens, and children. (In fact, I've made somewhat of a specialty of teaching teens to channel their anger.)

I believe that anger is just an emotion — it's neither good nor bad. Any emotion can be destructive if it is expressed destructively. Generally we think of "love" as a positive emotion. But most of us have known someone who has been obsessed with another person. That's an example of how any emotion can lead to pain — or worse — if it isn't channeled productively.

Anger is there for a reason. It's Nature's way of telling us that something is wrong, that something must change for us to be comfortable. Generally, anger arises when we are hurt, fear we are in danger of being hurt, or when we are frustrated. It can give us the energy and direction to make necessary changes.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control, it can lead to problems — problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person, an event, or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

There are three natural ways to express anger: to fight, flee, or freeze. In modern American culture, many people lash out verbally or physically when they are hurt — in other words to become aggressive. But this isn't the only choice we can make when angry. We can chose to (1) express our anger, (2) suppress our anger, or (3) calm or soothe ourselves. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive — not aggressive — manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. I call this "stuffing." We all know someone — perhaps ourselves — that holds in anger. The problem comes when the anger builds and builds and then you explode inappropriately at some small slight. The problem comes when we do or say something we later regret. Or some people turn anger in on themselves and experience self-loathing, depression, even high blood pressure.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. Some people become "passive-aggressive" — they chose to get back at people indirectly or through manipulation rather than telling them directly they are angry. Or some people become perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Everyone fights sometimes. No relationship — whether between couples, family members, officemates, schoolmates, whomever — is completely without conflict. In fact, a relationship that avoids conflict may very well be in some ways unhealthy.

The key to a healthy relationship isn't avoiding conflict, but making sure that you and your partner can clear the air productively — without hurt feelings or worse.

WAYS TO CHANNEL ANGER PRODUCTIVELY

Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring
Simply, this means changing the way you think. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." You may be interested in this list of distorted ways of thinking that many angry — or depressed — people indulge in.

Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Try making a plan for change, and check your progress along the way. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. Take a peek at my "Fair-Fighting Rules." You may find yourself less angry if you can make yourself successfully understood.

Use Humor
Humor can defuse rage. It can help you get a more balanced perspective. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider contacting me to discuss office, phone, or Internet counseling for your anger.