COUPLES COUNSELING

First things first. What's the difference between couples therapy, marriage counseling and marital therapy? None. They are just different names for the same process. Different psychotherapists prefer one name over another. Different insurance companies will pay under one name but not the others.

Couples therapy differs from individual psychotherapy in that the "client" is the couple — not the individuals. A good couples counselor doesn't focus on one partner as the "problem" and try to fix her or him. The problems that married and unmarried couples face are always a product of the "system" the couple creates together. In fact, the medical model — in which one person is the "identified patient" who needs to be fixed — breaks down completely in couples and family work. All psychological problems, and all psychological changes, involve both individual symptoms (behavior, emotions, conflicts, thought processes) and changes in interpersonal relationships.

That doesn't mean that two individuals involved with couples work will always work together with the therapist. Relationship problems always involve individual symptoms and problems, as well as the relationship conflicts. For example, if you are constantly arguing with your spouse, you will probably also be chronically anxious, angry or depressed (or all three). Or, if you have difficulty controlling your temper, you will have more arguments with your partner. So the couples counselor sometimes works with both partners together and sometimes spends time with them individually. In fact, there are times the couples counselor will suggest that either or both partners investigate individual counseling at the same time they pursue couples counseling. There are times that the pain an individual is experiencing overwhelms his or her ability to work as a couple.

As your therapist, I will help you and your partner identify the conflict issues in your relationship, help you discover how to communicate more effectively, listen more closely, develop "fair-fighting rules" that allow you to discuss issues without hurt feelings, and guide you through the process of negotiating compromises that will make living together more comfortable, graceful, and enjoyable. If you and your partner are willing to consider making changes in the relationship and in the behavior of each partner, I believe both of you can experience satisfaction in your relationship.

You may decide to change your ways of interacting together — you may decide to make individual changes based on personal psychological needs. Couples must learn how to avoid competing with each other, and need to identify common life goals and how to share responsibilities within their relationship. Sometimes the process is very similar to individual psychotherapy, sometimes it is more like mediation, and sometimes it is educational. The combination of the these three components is what makes it effective.

I make no judgments about the "best" form your relationship "should" take. The great thing about being independent adults in a free society is that we can pick any shape for our life that we want — provided we're not harming anybody else. Some couples live together — some maintain two households. Some have joint checking accounts — some keep their finances separate. I'm confident based on my years working with families of all shapes and sizes that, working together, we can find a shape for your family that will work for all parties.

If you are "stuck" in your relationship, experiencing problems that you aren't making progress on despite your best efforts, I hope you will consider contacting me. I have no doubt you can experience a happier, more fulfilled life.